Our Story

I copied this from my personal blog. I wrote this when we first found out about our infertility right after we were married. 

John was diagnosed with cancer over 10 years ago now and knew back than that he didn't have the ability to have kids (he refers to it as having no "swimmers"). We had hoped that maybe over the years his "swimmers" had decided to swim again, but we weren't sure. We discussed this in depth the summer we were dating and throughout our courtship. I told John that I didn't care whether or not he had "swimmers," b/c I knew I loved him. I'd rather spend my life with a guy who treats me well and loves me, and I know is perfect for me, then end up with some random guy who can have kids. (i hope that makes sense)

A couple weeks before we got married we debated whether or not he should get tested so I would know whether or not I needed to go on birth control. We decided against being tested before we got married b/c I had a feeling if it was negative I would be even more emotional with the stress of getting married. I think we made a great choice. Our wedding day was simply perfect.

A couple weeks after we were married we went down to the fertility center and I tried to be as supportive as I could. Since this was all new to us, and especially me, I brought along a book to read and sat in the waiting room while he took the 'test.' After reading, or more like looking at words and flipping pages, he came out and just said, "lets go. I don't want to talk about it." I kind of laughed and wanted to know when we would get the results. We took the test on a Thursday and John left for 9 days at cancer camp as a volunteer Camp Counselor on Friday afternoon. Our results came in the mail on Monday. I went over to John's parent's house during my lunch break at work to pick up the letter and tried to warn John's mom, Betsy, and his sister, Mandy, that I would cry. I didn't know what the results were, but I knew I would cry. Sure enough, I picked up the letter and started crying. I decided I would wait until Monday night to open it b/c I wanted to be on the phone with John. However, I can be very impatient, and opened the letter like 10 min later. I have never read anything like that before so I really didn't know what I was looking for. After seeing "0"s across the page and figuring that "0"s meant "no swimmers" and then reading, "nothing found when running the test at ..." and lots of technical terms, I knew right then that I should've waited for John! Oh well. Too late. I walked in and told my Grandma, then called Johns house. 

I am so grateful and feel so blessed b/c my family and in-laws really are so good to me. John & I figured the results would be negative, but of course we had to know. It was probably one of the longest weeks of my life, yet I honestly believe, that I have grown so much. I really wish John was there with me, but I'm also glad he was gone b/c I did not want him to see me sad or in tears. I do not blame him and would never want to change him. Having cancer made him who he is today. In the grand scheme of things, being able to have kids is not as important as having him around. 

While John was still at cancer camp, my Dad came to Phx for some meetings. He was there on Wednesday and we were able to spend a couple of hours alone together. Spending a couple hours just chatting with my Dad and being with him helped me carry on. Before I dropped him off at the airport he gave me a Father's blessing. He told me it was probably the last Father's blessing he will probably ever give me now that I am married. I never thought about that before, and that blessing meant so much more b/c of that. In the blessing, he restated just about everything I had been praying for over the past week. I had been asking for comfort, strength, and understanding. I received them all. I am so grateful for the Gospel and for knowing that my prayers are heard.

Of course there are times when I still get sad or cry, and I doubt that will change much. When I look back to the day I got the results I felt like my world had totally shifted. In a way, that's so true. I am now learning how to adjust to this new shift of life.

I believe that everyone is given trials in their lives. If this is my main trial in my life then I guess I should be sad all the time. However, I am trying to learn to count my blessings. I am blessed with a wonderful and supporting family. I have a husband who loves me, and is always there for me. I have the chance to gain an education and I have the Gospel in my life. So what if I won't be able to have John's babies? I have what I really need. The Lord is mindful of my needs. My journey may not be how I have always imagined, but I know as long as I stay faithful and strong that Heavenly Father will help me out. He's carried me this far. I intend on keeping Him on my side.



**UPDATE**
from 2015

The previous post was copied from my blog from 2009. Here is a current update...

We are now living permanently in Phoenix. We adopted both of our girls and have had great experiences. Abby was born in Las Vegas, NV and Maya was born in Kailua, HI. We are surrounded by family and often find more family traveling down to visit and stay with us (or at Grandma's nearby), or we are traveling to visit them. We are so blessed to have such a strong support system and know that any child placed with us will be welcomed and loved immediately.

Adoption is not uncommon in my family. I have 2 uncles and 8 cousins that are adopted. Add my 2 girls and that's 12 people! We have truly been touched by adoption and the wonderful Birth Mother's out there.